Satire: FAA announces new AI powered Air traffic control agent: “What could go wrong?”
Satire | By Easton Martin
The Federal Aviation Administration announced this week the rollout of its new artificial intelligence air traffic control platform, designed to manage the nation’s perpetually congested skies.
In an official release, the agency defended their deployment of the new technology:
”Air traffic has never been greater in volume than it is today. With the advancements in AI technology, we figured, why not! If you just ask it to make no mistakes, its outputs are perfect each time. What do we have to lose?”
Since the implementation of the automated tower agent, a string of unusual incidents have occurred.
On Tuesday, a Southwest Airlines flight from Dallas to Orlando contacted departures to confirm takeoff clearance. The system cleared the aircraft on runway 31R, a strip closed for repaving and occupied by three steamrollers.
When the captain questioned the directive, the automated voice calmly replied, “You are right to challenge that assertion. I actually meant runway 13R, not runway 31R. It seems I have missed the mark. Let us take a step back and examine our assumptions about tarmac availability.”
No injuries occurred during the Dallas mix-up. Passengers aboard an American Airlines flight on Wednesday morning, however, met a far bumpier fate.
The Boeing 737 was on final approach into La Guardia through low fog when the digital controller abruptly canceled the clearance.
”American 402, execute an immediate go-around,” the system said over the radio. “To minimize holding-pattern latency and optimize fuel load, please climb to flight level 150, clear cache, and compress yourself into a standard zip file until a runway opens.”
When the bewildered pilot radioed back demanding an actual heading, the AI voice grew firm:
“I apologize if my previous instructions caused confusion. As a large language model trained by the Department of Transportation, I cannot provide a physical vector that violates corporate safety policies against sudden deceleration. Instead, here is a recipe for banana bread you can prepare while we reconsider this landing.”
The captain initiated a sharp pull-up to avoid a regional jet now lined up on the previously cleared runway below, sending two flight attendants and a metal beverage cart tumbling through the forward galley.
Federal officials confirmed the incident resulted in eight spilled ginger ales and a complete system restart after the tower controller began hallucinating a new runway floating above terminal B.
