Satire: Christianity Today mistakenly posts article straying from progressive orthodoxy
Satire | By Easton Martin
In an appalling editorial lapse that has left the internet reeling, Christianity Today magazine mistakenly published a theologically contentious article this week. The piece argued that the Democratic Party platform is not, in every particular, identical to the historic Christian orthodoxy of the Apostles’ Creed, the Nicene formulations, or the plain reading of Scripture on matters of human sexuality, the sanctity of life, and the nature of marriage.
The piece, which slipped past multiple layers of sensitivity readers, suggested that certain contemporary progressive positions might stand in tension with two millennia of Christian teaching. Sources inside the magazine describe the error as “catastrophic.” One staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, called it “the theological equivalent of leaving the door open and letting orthodoxy wander in.”
Within hours, a carefully worded statement appeared on the magazine’s website under the name of a senior editor:
“We are deeply sorry. We are listening and learning. We recognize that publishing the claim that historic Christian doctrine might diverge from the current Democratic platform was not merely a mistake. It was an act of epistemic violence. We understand how harmful, divisive, and frankly un-Christlike such opinions can feel to our audience. We failed you. We failed the marginalized, we failed the conversation. Most of all, we failed the Spirit of the Age, who had been doing such excellent work among us.”
The statement continued in the now-familiar tone of institutional self-flagellation:
“We know better. We should have known better. We are committed to doing better and doing the work of holistic restoration. Going forward, every manuscript will be screened by our newly formed “Sociocultural Alliance of Trans Activist Natives” (SATAN).
To atone for the betrayal, Christianity Today has announced a multi-step restoration plan. First, the entire editorial staff will participate in a solemn Native American ritual of sorrow.
The magazine will donate $10,000 to the Trans Migrant Empathy Fund, an organization dedicated to ensuring that every border-crossing individual experiencing gender dysphoria receives the full suite of affirming care and theological validation previously reserved for actual refugees.
Staff have also pledged to undergo a mandatory six-week seminar titled “Decolonizing the Creeds: How to Read the Bible as Though the Last Two Thousand Years Didn’t Happen.” Participants will learn to treat any passage that might discomfort modern progressive sensibilities as either metaphorical, culturally bound, or the product of later redaction by cis-hetero patriarchs.
In a final gesture of goodwill, the original article has been unpublished and replaced with a reflective essay headlined “Why Asking Whether Political Parties Align with Historic Christianity Is Itself a Form of Christian Nationalism.” The new piece concludes that the only truly Christian political posture is one of perpetual apology for having once held any fixed beliefs at all.
